lost ... will I ever find myself ?

Hammershoi and his beautiful void skies

The post that I'm about to write it's not the post I was supposed to write a few hours ago.

The post I was about to write was about the wonderful miracle I've been living in the last 2 months. It's 11 pm this december 29th and I should probably be sleeping but I'm almost sure that I will not be able to do it...at least not tonight !


I'm going to write here what I have inside me and one of the good things about blogging is that you write out loud but nobody's obliged to read it, the difference of talking to a friend that might not want to listen to you. So, I'll write but you can change blog now if you want to.


If you have read this post of mine; you know about that I can not have children. Or, at least I thought I couldn't... until this november 16th. It's been a lifetime of a life without contraception and without even a sign of a child. My head was dictating my life and I let nature choose. But on this morning of november 16th 2011 I found out I was pregnant at 36 years old for the first time in my whole life. I was surprised, in shock, I already had planned my life trying to protect myself by saying that it was best not to have children.

This last 2 months have been the worst and the best of my life, I've been crying and caressing my belly daily, I've been trying to avoid any bad thought, I've been preparing myself for happiness.

My professional life has been a mess lately (I found out that same week that I would never be definitely hired -I've been working there for 6 years with precarious contracts- because I don't have the right nationality. Yes, it's not legal but I have no proof, they have told me not written) and this pregnancy sounded like a miracle that would heal all wounds.

Made a first ultrasound and everything's perfect, I'm living my new life, ready to embrace the world, telling myself that I had been healed and that all issues were nothing more now than a part of my life that belonged to the past. My relationship with my lost mother was finaly clear, I could move forward, finally !


Today I made my second ultrasound and my life just made a new rollercoaster ride again. The baby has a very bad brain deformity and we'll have to stop the pregnancy. The happiness I was about to touch, that I could feel, see it is now gone forever. I don't understand why I was supposed to suffer this as I was already mourning the fact that I could never be a mother, I think that I had accepted it already there was no need to bring back all this again, for nothing ! My nephew, my sister's first child was born disabled. After tons and years of research, doctors have come to the conclusion that it was destiny, it just happened, but how many chances did I had to have myself my first child also disabled ? One in a million ? Maybe and guess what ? It happened.

The worst about this is that I listened twice in my life to the tiny heart and saw his/her little legs and arms move and now this child, this half child of mine is still inside me waiting for his/her last day (that I'll know tomorrow when it will be). I feel weird and lost. What is the purpose of all this ? I'm feeling desperate and miserable and with no meaning. I try, oh my how I try, how I've tried all my life to see the bright side of life but it just doesn't works for me. I'm terrified, I really am.

I don't know what the universe still has in store for me but I just make a call here: Universe if you don't have nothing good in store for me now, forget me, please ! I've been up and down in such a short period of time, an awful year this one has been in all matters ! This was not the post I was supposed to write !